I'm a city girl and I would never live in the country for one major reason: The critters. Spiders, centipedes, grasshoppers, mostly anything that either has more legs than I do, or doesn't come in human-like colors? We. Are. Not. Friends. And never will be. If I was the protagonist of "James & the Giant Peach" and I had to put my survival in the hands of a spider, a grasshopper, a centipede, and a lady bug, I'd probably die. I'd be thinking about how I could possibly make peach juice poisonous to kill them all. Charlotte's Web? I'd murder Charlotte, and there would be no famous webs. Any other critter friendly stories would morph into an obituary ad.
Just the other day, a spider tried to kill me by dropping from my kitchen ceiling to the stove, right as I was about to put food on the burner... Are you kidding me?! I didn't know which was worse, having the spider almost land on my head, or in my food. Naturally, as with any spur of the moment near-death experience, I let out a mini scream (which sounded very mature and brave, thank you very much), and then proceeded to watch it land on the stove burner I hadn't turned on yet. I wouldn't let it out of my sight as I calmly called for help from one of my roommates, all of which happened to be out and about at the time. What could I do then, but wait for the right moment to light him on fire? I waited until the body was right over the flame outlet before I turned the stove on and watched his body burn. At this point, I fancied myself some sort of house spider assassin, and I put out a little mental memo to the underworld of spiders:
"To the Seedy Spider Underworld: If any other from your lot comes up with the bright idea to run up on me by descending from the ceiling to almost land on my head and/or the food I was JUST about to put on the stove, I Will Murder You. Today, poor cousin Timmy Long Legs learned the hard way. This is not the countryside, and I do not believe in "Catch & Release". I will burn you with the blazing fires of the gas company I pay. I will roast you with the burning flames of the stove. I will watch your body disintegrate into teensy weensy particles of ash. In short, I will End. Your. Life. And then? Then I will laugh the laugh of the contented heart. Be afraid. For I will not issue this warning a second time."
I didn't overreact at all. And I'll continue to leave country living to the pros: Those who enjoy smogless air, the great outdoors, and all that other sentimental "blue sky, green grass"
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